Parent › Teenager Dictionary

It has come to my attention that there is a bit of a language barrier between me and my kids. By all appearances we seem to be speaking the same language, yet I often find myself at a loss to understand or be understood. So, it feels like it's time to create a Parent › Teenager translation dictionary.

What I say	What I want to say	What they hear	What I actually mean
“Time to Get up”	“Get your ass out of bed”	---------------------	“Get your ass out of bed”
“Put your dishes in the dishwasher”	“Please offer to do all the dishes out of your inherent kindness”	“Put your dishes near the dishwasher”	“I’m not your maid.”
“The better you do in school, the more options you’ll have in the future.”	“Please bring your grades up to A’s & B’s.”	“Grades are more important than anything.”	“Don’t sell yourself short.”
“Please don’t leave your socks in the living room.”	“If I find one more dirty sock in the living room I might serve it to you as soup then watch as you don’t put the used bowl in the dishwasher.”	“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sock, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”	“Can you for one minute remember that other humans share this space with you?”
“Is your homework done”	“Turn off the Xbox and do your fucking homework!”	“I will control you. Mwhahahahaha!”	“Trust me, just do your homework first and you will still have time to do what you want. PS: I know you didn’t do your homework yet.”
“Did you brush your teeth?”	“Eventually you’re gonna want to kiss someone, trust me on this.”	“Your breath smells and you are dirty.”	“Your breath smells and you are dirty and our dental insurance does not cover gum disease.”
“Please do your chores.”	“You wanna keep living here? Get your ass off the couch and help out.”	“Your free time is not important to me.”	“Earn your keep.”
“Make sure you meet with that teacher to go over what you got wrong.”	“You should have actually studied for that test.”	“I think you are stupid.”	“I want you to take control of your learning.”
“So how was the dance”	“Did you dance with someone? Did someone ask you to dance? Are you going out with someone? Have you had your first kiss yet? Was there drinking? Did you drink? Are you drunk? How’s your self esteem?”	“I want to invade your privacy.”	“Do you know how great you are?”
“No I don’t want to play Assassin’s Creed with you.”	“I have so little free time.”	“I don’t like what you like and I don’t want to spend time doing what you like to do, but I do expect you to like going to the museum with me.”	“I love you, I don’t enjoy video games.”
“Please don’t talk to me like that.”	“Are you fucking kidding me?”	“You upset me, I am vulnerable to further attack.”	“You upset me, but I’m still your mother and if you expect to eat again, you’ll shut up now.”
“I love you.”	“I will literally do whatever it takes to help you become who you are meant to be.”	“blah, blah, blah, sock, blah, blah, blah, love, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah I Love your socks”	“I got your back, forever.”
“What do you want for breakfast.”	“I’m willing to make you cereal.”	“Kitchen’s open and I live to make you any and all things.”	“Fix me breakfast.”

Well, it's a start anyway. Stay tuned for the Teenager › Parent translation dictionary:

What they say	What they want to say	What I hear	What they mean
“Can you help me find my sweatshirt?”	“I can’t see my sweatshirt from where I’m lying on the couch.”	“I’m lazy and you live for this shit.”	“Find my sweatshirt.”