Some Call it Sexism, I Call it...

I'm concerned. There's seems to be something wrong with my husband and both of my offspring. On the surface it might be hastily diagnosed as sexism, but more intensive trials would reveal it as something more dangerous, dick-itis.

I had a vague suspicion that they might have been afflicted with this chronic ailment, but quarantine has made urgent what I can no longer ignore. Common symptoms are:

• Willful avoidance of placing dishes in the dishwasher
• Haphazard piling of once worn clothing, often in close proximity to but never reaching the hamper
• Deceptive preliminary assistance with meal preparation, quickly abandoned after the dicing of one vegetable
• Bi-weekly inquiries of "what can I do to help;" often mistaken as deep desire to change a dynamic, but quickly revealed as a get out of jail free card to avoid actually paying attention 
• Abandonment of societally accepted masculine chore of taking out garbage
• Leaving cabinets open
• Monopolizing television with bleak Scandinavian detective procedurals and re-purposed "average man turns into drug dealer/money launderer" series.
• In an effort to boost internet efficiency, configuring an elaborate network of ethernet cable booby traps snaked throughout the house.
• Appalling lack of personal grooming
• Inexplicable unwillingness to charge phones
• Inexplicable loss of phone chargers (during a quarantine?)
• Intolerable accusatory panic when searching for phone charger due to near dead phone
• Unwillingness to change, clean or fold any bed linen, ever, in the history of forever.
• Basically never participating in any activity that is deigned as beneath their masculine pay grade and traditionally understood as "women's work."

There are exceptions which lead to a false negative diagnosis. These exceptions are usually revealed to be shallowly motivated by a desire to stay out of the dog house and rarely have long lasting effects. Doing the dishes once a week, or taking out the garbage only when asked are not actual cures, but merely temporary prophylactic remedies

The cause of dick-itis is still unknown. Inroads have been made in identifying historical and societal patterns that have served as breeding grounds for this long-lasting condition. The common underlying factor seems to be a belief that they, men, and their needs and desires, are simply more important than women's. That there is simply no room for everyday tasks necessary for common comfort, hygiene, and continuity, in their minds, which must be 100% dedicated to their lofty goals and pursuits. The easiest conclusion to draw from this is that their brains are not, in fact, big enough. 

There are exceptions, of course. There are highly evolved men who have adapted. They have built up an immunity to dick-itis. They do pay attention. And there are women who can absolutely be afflicted with dick-itis. There are also women, like myself, who employ Benadryl-like and other OTC remedies to ease symptoms. These remedies are most often administered with the "it'll just be easier if" technique, seen by many as a quick relief tactic. In the long run, however, symptoms regularly recur. 

Success has been found in steady, disciplined and vigilant expectation setting which leads to the always male soothing elixir of routine. Early treatment is the key, and many have made great strides with the "teach a man to fish" approach to parenting, as opposed to the long standing and misnomered "maternal" instinct of "give a man a fish." Ironically the onus of this time-consuming treatment falls upon women, adding to the seemingly infinite list of what is considered "women's work." 

The long term effects of caring for someone with dick-itis lead to 

• Irritation
• The silent treatment
• Seething sub-surface resentment
• One more cocktail than is probably necessary
• Too many potato chips
• Mumbled, unsubtle rants of "I guess their dicks are so big it prevents them from bending over to put their 5th glass of the day in the dishwasher."
• Eye rolling
• Re-evaluation of every choice you've ever made

There is, unfortunately no quick fix. Most men will say there is. Their quick fix is "just tell me what to do, don't expect me to know what you want." They are right, to some extent, none of us are mind readers. To the rest of the extent though, understanding that if one person cooks dinner, the other should enable balance by doing the dishes should not have to be communicated or taught. In the year 2020, a mere 100 years after women were finally given the right to vote, it should be understood.