Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Conditions of Unconditional Love

Even a dog's love has conditions. No matter how excited they are when you come home, if you leave them alone for too long they're going to poop on something you love. And so it is with all purported unconditional love; whether it be romantic, familial or friendly, everyone's undying love has some rules and regulations.

1. If you're being a dick, your access is denied.

2. Saying you're sorry is great, but it will be met with an implied and undefined penance which you are expected to decipher.

3. If I'm being a dick, assume it is justifiable.

4. Emotional rent must be paid to earn certain privileges. For example:

  • If either spouse wants a night out with friends, dinner must be made and/or the dishwasher must be emptied.
  • If teenager # 1 wants to use the car, politeness is required and the living room must be free of dirty socks.
  • If you don't want poop in your new boots, take the dog for a walk.
5a. You must alternate holiday dinners between in-laws and gratefully accept all guilt from the one left behind.


5b. You must eat two thanksgiving dinners and hungrily ask for seconds at each.

6. Attend a 2/3 majority of all your kids' games, recitals, performances and unspecified special events.

7. Pose and smile for any and all photos of major life events to give your parents something to look at when you piss them off or they find themselves missing you so soon after they expressed gratitude at your departure.

8. Gush over all new haircuts.

9. You must eventually forgive.

10. Let them help...even if it's not the way you would do it. 

11. Read minds while assuming nothing.

The fact stands that those who really love you will always love you, and they rarely poop on the things you love on purpose.  But poop they will, and so will we all. And despite our vows of unconditional love, we all have checks and balances, punishments and rewards we use to remind the ones we love with all our heart not to take that love lightly, that to hold someone's heart is a treasured responsibility. And part of that responsibility is that, occasionally, you have to pick up some poop. 

Which brings us to rule 12:

12. If you find your access denied, accept responsibility for dickishness and return with inappropriately expensive cheese, a decadent cupcake and authentic sheepishness.