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Monday, April 27, 2015

You're Doing It!

So this is weird. In recent days I find myself bombarded with general Facebook posts inspiring the masses to follow your passion, leave that job you hate, move about in the world and make your dreams come true. And I feel paralyzed by the optimism.

Sure it all sounds grand and like the premise for a really successful summer movie aimed at grabbing the 22-35 female demographic, but I seem to be thwarted by the very real need to buy gas, pay for the homeowner's insurance and replenish the supply of frozen pizzas and Jimmy Dean Breakfast sandwiches which are really the only things I have energy to "cook." I would love to follow my passion, but who's going to pick up teenager #1 from school or buy a new concert shirt for teenager #2? Who's gonna buy dog food (because they can really only last on cheerios for so long) and give the bathroom sink an occasional wipe down? Who's gonna chip away at the mountain of debt while I'm off pursuing a passion which, apparently, has no monetary value?

Seriously. I'm asking. Who?

Somehow I don't think the New York Times Best selling author who is posting platitudes is going to spot me the cash it will take for me to follow my bliss. No, I have to go out and earn that through grit and determination and hard work ( or so says the next post on my feed). But wait a minute, that's what I've been doing for the last 25 years. At what point does grit cross over into delusion?

Never Mary! Don't give up on the dream! You gotta believe! Be Brave!

Seriously?

In my 20's and 30's I would have seen all of these inspirational posts and effectively worded quotations as signs that I was on the right path. In my late 40's it just feels like a justification for not seeing the light. I don't think the universe is sending me signs to be patient, I think the universe might be telling me to choose paying the bills over creative fulfillment.

But you can do both! Get out there! Network! If you can dream it, you can do it!

Okay. Sure. You're right. Stay positive. I'll do that after I'm done at my day job; oh but wait a minute, I have to do that other job tonight. Well maybe in between...nope nope, I need to get milk and take teenager #2 to the dentist. Okay, okay, I'll just stay up late and finish that resume, oh, but wait a minute I have to put in time on the marriage thing so husband doesn't feel neglected and unimportant, so I'll just wake up early, except I can't keep my eyes open after the third night of five hours of sleep and my resume looks like a 2 year old just discovered a typewriter for the first time.

All I'm hearing is excuses Mary...If you really want this than you need....

Okay shut up right there. The problem is I don't just want this. I want that, and the other thing, plus a side what the hell was I thinking. I want a life. I want to go on vacation, and I want to have a dog to walk, and I want to laugh with friends, and I want to conquer that level of Candy Crush, and I want to try that recipe, and I want to see that movie, and I want to see my kids graduate high school and have a life too. I want a life. I need a life, so I have something to bring to that silly pipe dream passion of mine. And to have a life to feed my passion I need money to feed my family. I still have to pay the bills, because the life I chose to lead has messy, wonderful, weird, annoying, perfect responsibilities. And some days optimism doesn't make the cut for the to do list.

I love the intention behind the inspirational sharing; in fact my office has many of those same quotes scattered on the walls. I will always be a glass is half full kinda gal, especially if it's full of wine. I still ascribe to the power of Zuzu's petals. But one's bliss does not always remain simple or singular.

So I would like to add an option to the pile of inspiration. In addition to "YOU CAN DO IT!" I'd like to propose the occasional "you are doing it." No CAPS, no graphics, no sweaty well-toned Nike athletes. Just a simple reminder.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Job Listing: Wife Needed

I need a wife.

I suppose I should say "I need a co-spouse" or "partner" or "life companion" or some other Gwyneth Paltrow inspired label. But that is just pretty candy coating to help this bitter pill go down. What I need is a wife; because I am failing miserably. I will concede to this modern world that I do not define wife by gender; we have indeed come a long way baby. No, a wife is no longer defined by gender, but by job description:

Job Title: Wife

Position available immediately. Full time wife needed to maintain household, schedules and sanity of typical (and by typical I mean crazy) family in Philadelphia region. Duties include but are not limited to:
  • Maintaining well stocked refrigerator and pantry
  • Cooking nutritional meals that have a chance of actually being consumed
  • Scheduling all doctor's appointments, confirming said appointments, rescheduling said appointments when the team makes the playoffs, driving to and from said appointments and providing incentives (read-bribes) to appointees to complete said appointments
  • Cleaning the house (rapid stuffing of extraneous shit in closets and doing quick once over with Swiffer, microfiber cloth and Febreeze spritzing acceptable in emergency drop-by situations only; full on baseboard scrubbing, lemony fresh pledge smelling, white glove level scouring required for any and all in-law visits)
  • Driving anywhere at any time for any purpose that fate dreams up.
  • Filling gas tank to avoid spouse's eye-rolling
  • Loading dishwasher, unloading dishwasher, and putting all dishes back; even if you don't know where they go, finding someplace for them other than the middle of the table.
  • Laundry: washing, folding, and putting away. Job also includes tireless discovery of socks under random pieces of furniture in rooms where socks do not tread.
  • Providing appropriate reactions to all in the family from outrage to unadulterated joy and intuiting the calibration of said reactions without the benefit of clues, hints or support.
  • Coordinating all home repairs as well as being present while they occur and knowing when to offer a glass of water without appearing awkward.
  • Providing spousal back-rubs with no personal agenda
  • Maintaining everyone's schedule flawlessly including reminders and the willingness to cancel things you want to do in lieu of last minute vital work, sport, or school functions.
  • Embracing Spock's motto "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
  • Paying all bills
  • Killing all bugs, cleaning up all vomit, tucking everyone in, relinquishing all rights to remote during March Madness (and every other day as well), replacing toothbrushes every two months and anticipating everyone's needs before they do.
Applicant should have experience in doing all of the above with a smile on their face and joy in their heart without a shred of irony or attitude as well as a willingness to take on more duties as they arise without having to be asked.

Hours: endless
Compensation: personal fulfillment-results vary and are inconclusive.
Benefits package: See compensation

If interested, please have head examined and then run quickly away. The Gap almost always has openings, and you get a store discount.