Sunday, April 12, 2015

Job Listing: Wife Needed

I need a wife.

I suppose I should say "I need a co-spouse" or "partner" or "life companion" or some other Gwyneth Paltrow inspired label. But that is just pretty candy coating to help this bitter pill go down. What I need is a wife; because I am failing miserably. I will concede to this modern world that I do not define wife by gender; we have indeed come a long way baby. No, a wife is no longer defined by gender, but by job description:

Job Title: Wife

Position available immediately. Full time wife needed to maintain household, schedules and sanity of typical (and by typical I mean crazy) family in Philadelphia region. Duties include but are not limited to:
  • Maintaining well stocked refrigerator and pantry
  • Cooking nutritional meals that have a chance of actually being consumed
  • Scheduling all doctor's appointments, confirming said appointments, rescheduling said appointments when the team makes the playoffs, driving to and from said appointments and providing incentives (read-bribes) to appointees to complete said appointments
  • Cleaning the house (rapid stuffing of extraneous shit in closets and doing quick once over with Swiffer, microfiber cloth and Febreeze spritzing acceptable in emergency drop-by situations only; full on baseboard scrubbing, lemony fresh pledge smelling, white glove level scouring required for any and all in-law visits)
  • Driving anywhere at any time for any purpose that fate dreams up.
  • Filling gas tank to avoid spouse's eye-rolling
  • Loading dishwasher, unloading dishwasher, and putting all dishes back; even if you don't know where they go, finding someplace for them other than the middle of the table.
  • Laundry: washing, folding, and putting away. Job also includes tireless discovery of socks under random pieces of furniture in rooms where socks do not tread.
  • Providing appropriate reactions to all in the family from outrage to unadulterated joy and intuiting the calibration of said reactions without the benefit of clues, hints or support.
  • Coordinating all home repairs as well as being present while they occur and knowing when to offer a glass of water without appearing awkward.
  • Providing spousal back-rubs with no personal agenda
  • Maintaining everyone's schedule flawlessly including reminders and the willingness to cancel things you want to do in lieu of last minute vital work, sport, or school functions.
  • Embracing Spock's motto "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
  • Paying all bills
  • Killing all bugs, cleaning up all vomit, tucking everyone in, relinquishing all rights to remote during March Madness (and every other day as well), replacing toothbrushes every two months and anticipating everyone's needs before they do.
Applicant should have experience in doing all of the above with a smile on their face and joy in their heart without a shred of irony or attitude as well as a willingness to take on more duties as they arise without having to be asked.

Hours: endless
Compensation: personal fulfillment-results vary and are inconclusive.
Benefits package: See compensation

If interested, please have head examined and then run quickly away. The Gap almost always has openings, and you get a store discount.

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