Thursday, January 30, 2014
Fake it 'Til You Make it
So I want to be lighthearted and funny for you. I want to be edgy and insightful and simple and honest. I’d like to turn a phrase that is efficient and illuminating all in one. I want to be the blog post that you need right now. But I’m tired.
I’m not talking about physically tired (again), that’s a given. I am bone-crushingly psychologically and emotionally tired. It’s not just the one step forward two steps back marathon of getting somewhere as if you are walking up the down escalator. That does crush the will to stay on the path of parental fortitude as prescribed by therapists, books and common sense, but there is something that makes that journey even more exhausting.
Pretending everything is okay.
Pretending everything is going to be okay.
Yes in the grand scheme of disaster and tyranny, everything is okay and will be. But in the microcosm of my self-importance, in the galaxy of my tiny existence everything is not okay. It is what it is, and I‘m tired of spinning that as extraordinary and unique and quirky and modern. I’m ready for the hard work to pay off and I’m not entirely sure that phrase is based in any kind of truth beyond farming.
So putting all spin aside, here’s what’s left: I’m not sure I have what it takes to be a parent. I know it’s kind of late in the game for that epiphany, and it’s certainly not helpful on any level, but I can’t pretend it’s not true. Some things I do work, many things I try don’t and the only barometer I have is the kids in front of me. And I am terrified of failing them. They don’t deserve that.
Fake it ‘til you make it. There’s another aphorism that has gotten me through more than one potential catastrophe. So I will pretend to be strong when I want to crumble. I will be okay with being hated when it serves a greater purpose. I will smile at work as if my life is an Emmy winning sitcom. I will tell my terror to take a seat in the waiting room until it is dulled into a coma by back-dated People magazines.
And I will whisper to you on occasion that I have no idea what I’m doing because they say the truth will set you free. And some day I would like to talk to whomever “they” is to see the data that supports their claims.