Sunday, September 21, 2014

What Nobody Tells You

Dear Expectant and New Parents,


Here is what nobody tells you:

-Forget college, start saving now for the $100+ Graphing calculator your kid will need anytime from 7th grade on.

-Breast milk vomit stains.

-Your child will hate you at some time(s). It only lasts until they need something.

-You will hate your kid at some time(s), even for an instant. You will. It'll pass, but you will.

-Eating food they left on their plate is not only okay, it is economical.

-Being tired isn't the worst part about parenting

-When other parents judge you(and they do), it's just because they are desperately trying to feel better about themselves. Oh, also because you're doing it wrong.

-Purell and its like are placebos; your kid is gonna get sick.

-Once your kid starts walking it's not just a milestone, it means their hands are free for other things.

-The moment your kid starts talking it means they are one step closer to saying "I hate you!"

-You can ban toy guns, but they will still make one out of an orange.

-They're going to see an R-rated movie at their friends' house.

-Until the age of 9, their birthday parties are really just a way for you to show off.

-When they offer to help it's usually because they want something.

-Your friends are not as interested in your kids as you are.

-Kids are really expensive. No, I mean seriously expensive. Invest now.

-You will be taking care of all pets, but only if you want to keep the animals alive, otherwise, let your kids learn a valuable lesson.

-You will be depressed sometimes. You will feel like a failure often. You will, at least once, question why you became a parent. You are still a good person.

-Get a 529 plan and have your parents or in-laws put it in their name so it won't count against you or your kid for financial aid.

-From here on out, the clean laundry will never fit neatly anywhere despite any and all Real Simple advice. It will spill out of drawers or be piled on top of chairs only to fall on the floor and become dirty laundry again.

-You won't watch all those videos you took of them because you're too busy picking clean laundry off the floor.

-It's okay not to enjoy every moment.

-You never realized how often your spouse/partner/co-parent is wrong.

-You will cry at animated movies.

-You aren't the only lucky one, that kid(s) is lucky to have you too. (See, there's more to me than cynicism.)

This list is still under construction since it seems this building of a person is never quite done. And this person I'm referring to, surprise surprise, it ain't your kid.  So, please feel free to add what nobody told you.

In the mean time, welcome to the cult, good luck, and always remember: nobody's done what you're doing-raising your child. So cut yourself some slack.


  1. Love as always. I just bought that $&@#*($@^@($*! graphing calculator.

  2. I'm hoping this NEW math will catch on and my daughter won't need the calculator, just a thesaurus.
    (also, I love reading your posts!)