Saturday, August 29, 2015

Parental School Supply List

School is just around the corner and teachers are busy preparing their rooms for another creative and exciting year of learning for your wonderful children. This year will be chock full of homework that will be left to the last possible moment, tests to which you will assign too much significance, poster board projects which will not insure an early acceptance to Stanford, and standardized testing that will accurately predict exactly how well your child takes standardized tests. In order for your children to have a successful year please refer to this School Survival, ahem, Supply List for Parents to help you survive the next nine months reducing the likelihood of you suffering from teacher stalking, overcompensatory cupcake baking, excessive homework meddling, Parking lot mafia surveillance and massive meltdown by Columbus Day weekend.

Parent School Supply List

  • Tylenol PM for sleepless nights caused by Poster Board tampering in the form of "help"
  • Earbuds and Netflix for when Tylenol PM doesn't work
  • Membership in Wine of the Week Club; might be useful to register for the 'buy one get one' option.
  • Extra socks for everyone, as those dirty balled up wonders hide better than the cat in Alien.
  • Mindless magazine subscription, because the Winter Movie Preview issue may make or break your sanity
  • Getaway car.
  • Snacks. Of course they should be healthy, so...dark chocolate.
  • Extra pencils everywhere; in your purse/briefcase, in your pocket, in the car, in the bathroom, in the cupboard where you keep the dog food. Because quick production of said pencil could be the deciding factor in the ongoing Homework/Xbox Dilemma. 
  • A Happy Place: Figurative when you need to sidestep fruitless escalation of pointless argument about homework consistency; Literal when said argument was not successfully sidestepped.
  • A hobby, preferably portable, but any will do to remember you are more than just Mom or Dad
  • A stress ball, not to squeeze, but to throw at the wall, Steve McQueen-like, while plotting your next escape.
  • A sense of humor. If you do not have one, one can be cultivated by reading David Sedaris & Bill Bryson and watching Bugs Bunny cartoons, Mel Brook's Young Frankenstein, WKRP in Cincinnati episodes, and the entire series of Parks & Recreation.
  • A watch with a date & time feature with two alarm settings: one set for the end of this academic year, another set for High School graduation.
Here's to another Great school year! 

(Actually, that might be overshooting a bit, putting unrealistic pressure on already stressed out students and assuming a predetermined sense of hope rather than letting the year unfold in a rolling-with-the-punches-don't-take-this-too-seriously-but-take-it-seriosuly-enough-to-appropriately-challenge-your kids-without-fomenting-anxiety-while-letting-them-fail-and-succeed-on-their-own-and-trusting-they-will-get-back-up-again-stronger-for-the-hardship-and-still-feeling-loved-and-supported kind of way.)

Here's to Another school year!

PS: Note to self, investigate existence of a Donut-A-Day club.

1 comment:

  1. Glad to know I'm not the only one counting down the years (8 and 9 months) until my youngest's graduation!