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Sunday, May 10, 2020

I See

When I look at myself, I see 

  • Not consistent enough
  • Not organized enough
  • Didn’t make you do enough chores
  • Didn’t turn off the TV enough
  • Didn’t teach you enough social etiquette.
  • Didn’t insist on you making your own lunch enough
  • Didn’t clean the house enough
  • Didn’t volunteer enough
  • Wasn't strong enough
  • Didn’t garden enough
  • Didn’t make enough vegetables
  • Didn’t garden enough vegetables
  • Didn’t have enough expectations
  • Didn’t hold the line enough
  • Didn’t teach you enough
  • Didn’t let you struggle enough
  • Didn’t play enough games
  • Didn’t teach you enough about money management
  • Didn’t give you enough of anything or everything.


Only possible conclusion: I was not enough.


When I look at you, I see 

  • When you recount with saturating accuracy the details of Overwatch or the trade intricacies of Runescape, I see focus fueled by curiosity.
  • When you tell your father to eat less ice cream, I see concern.
  • When you tell me to relax, I see that you see how hard I try to work.
  • When you correct my form when I occasionally exercise, I see your expertise.
  • When you fail and fall and fury, and still get off the mat again, I see resilience.
  • When I hear you laugh, I see your individuality.
  • When you put your dish in the dishwasher, I see consideration.
  • When the time comes that it occurs to you to turn the dishwasher on, I will see god.
  • When you bring the garbage cans back from the curb on trash day without being asked, I see independence.
  • When you say to the cashier “Thanks, have a good one,” I see connection.
  • When you tell your brother “sorry man, that sucks,” I see compassion.
  • When you eat a fruit or vegetable, I see balance.
  • When you separate, I see self-care.
  • When you call with a question or problem, I see you see the strength in asking for help.
  • When you help your grandmother move mulch, I see kindness.
  • When you are outraged by injustices big and small, I see engagement.
  • When you cry at the end of How to Train Your Dragon,” I see humanity.


Only possible conclusion: You are more than enough.


When your life was put in my hands, I knew I needed to give you everything, and that everything would never be enough, because love got redefined that day. Of course I would never be enough, because it takes you to fill in what’s next. In this grand, messy, uncertain, heartbreaking, heart-making, hilarious collaboration that is family, my only driving wish is that you can survive and thrive in the wild. I see that you will. Thank you for showing me love’s infinite capacity. Now, turn the dishwasher on.



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